Below are the 13 most recent journal entries recorded in Jake's LiveJournal:

Thursday, August 23rd, 2007
10:53 am	Reading through this makes me so sad. Am I still the same person ive always been? There's finally hope in life its been two long years. I just read things I wrote in July 2005 and it's weird knowing all that shit was about you everything from July 5th 05- May 27th 06 youve always been in my life since july 5th I remember july 4th-5th so well too like it was today I remember going to a party on the 4th on mushrooms and then going to a party at your house the next day and thats the night that would prove to me that I will love you for the rest of my life.I seriously cried myself to sleep all of those nights dreaming about you.I wish I could make her understand I am truely sorry for all the fucked up things i've done I just want to hold her forever. I feel like bashing my head into a brick wall and dumping all the contents out. This is fate I always knew we'd be together I always knew so many things about you and we'd just look at each other and we could both tell. You always tell me the future has a crazy way of working its self out and neither of us know whats going to happen but the voice thats been in my head for 2 years ever since i met you tells me whats going to happen I know what will happen I know we'll be together forever thats what my conscious tells me, the day my conscious lies to me is the day I'll figure out it's all a lie that everything is all a lie.The weird thing is that I've never even heard my conscious and there was so many times it could have saved me but it let me learn on my own this is the first time in my life ive ever had guidance in my head or a conscious its never been there for me untill 2 years ago when i met you I never heard my true mind speak. I don't know what else to say I wish I didn't fuck up so much in the past when it was so easy to tell you everything I thought you'd think i was crazy for saying. Ahhh I love you so muchh Katie all these journal entries were about you in some way I'm tired of you having to hear me lie and say two things when I talk to you I only mean one thing and it's that I love you and I care about you more than anyones cared about me or you in our lives. You try to put hope in my life and you succeed that's all I've ever wanted to do though is put hope in your life and make you think the worlds not a dead place. I told you a long time ago this Earth isn't a cold place and you replied I know. Theres no words to replace these feelings other than my love for you will always be eternal. Being away from my mom or ben I always forget what they look like, but not you dear, your face haunts my memory I will never get those cute big bright eyes looking up towards the heavens into my eyes ever so briefly out of my head. I know every part of your face like I've been drawing you ever since I was born. I used to feel so empty I used to have no hope. Things are changing I don't know if I'm ready for the strangeness of the world. I have no family any more, no home things have already changed, I'm on my own from now on all the people I once knew live far away now, it's not much of a change though...Everythings always felt empty those moments when I was young when I would let out an exhale and be so depressed and feel so empty I couldnt even talk to anyone or do anything but just sit in my room in isolation with nothing but my thoughts, thats how it's always been. I feel like I've done so much wrong from the past but I don't want to dwell on it, I'll always know I'm a bad person for not telling you earlier and thinking others could replace you. I've been searching for you for so long I really have darling I'm ready to get all the bad things out of my life all there is now is me and you.<3 Current Mood: satisfied (Comment on this)
Friday, July 14th, 2006
10:33 pm	seeing you smile is like a thousand needles being stabbed into my back. none of this is real (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 6th, 2006
11:42 am	Somebody told me I changed. How can I change when I never have known who I am or what I am.I'm a series of impulses and urges that make me move.Everythings so fucked all the stupid scenesters and hardcore kids and sxe kids its all a fad a fad designed for you blindly to follow because billionaires twice your age sit at the top of skyscrapers and analyze what teenagers and kids and some adults like and market it and buy it and sell it and buy it and then fucking sell it again but we follow blindly off a cliff they're leading us off of to someday when some new horrible thing will be popular and everyone who wears girl pants and spikes there hair will be the new teenage messiah. None of us can see with unclouded minds we never could and we never will even just the notion of your mind being unclouded is closed minded in its self there will allways be war there will always be the millionaires.The millionaires that sit and laugh such confused laughs because their generation fucked them over their parents lied to them and didnt know what to do because their parents did the same thing the good people in this world,are growing old and almost dead and they've just realized what a fucking lie they lived and how they just passed on the same cycle their parents passed on to them. This world doesn't have much time left at all but still we drink the nights away,we still drive our 20 inch lifted trucks. We dont give a fuck our apathy will fuel the end,even journals like this have become a bench mark in mediocrity and we dont care anymore we're so fucking apathetic.Our receptors are so fucked. Communication on a whole is fucked over. Ive been trying to be nice my whole life to so many people and now what everyone wants to pound in to my head is becoming clear to me,what you do in this world doesnt mean shit you can be the nicest person,the most generous person and you're still going to end up getting fucked over for it all.When I was 10 I asked a man if this was a dream and he told me if it is then it's a really shitty dream,we're fucked. Current Mood: apathetic Current Music: davids disarm their goliaths-in flames (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 25th, 2006
11:32 pm	Ive got a 6 pack of fat tire and the white album im fucking set! (Comment on this)
1:52 am	Im fucking drunk someone buy me this shit http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/080652720X/ref=ase_bpitu-20/103-1626302-5743001?s=books&v=glance&n=283155&tagActionCode=bpitu-20 (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 24th, 2006
2:23 pm	http://jewbacka.deadjournal.com/ is my gay ass bitch ass journal (Comment on this)
Saturday, May 27th, 2006
2:54 am	somebody should really help me. (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 23rd, 2006
1:59 am	I could seriously lie with you until end of time I miss you. I miss your blonde hair and that really excited look I get on my face everytime I see you:( (Comment on this)
12:47 am	I think I fucked everything up that i had going for me.Later. In between we insidious vapors shalt teem Looming so loathsome And it seems to me like I'm dead inside A bloated corpse propped out of tradition I can never recall What it was I had ever to strive for? As a youth, was it just to exist autonomously? No, we don't wanna work We just wanna fuck, swallow pills, and forget our curses No, we don't need pigs like you We follow the laws of our emptying veins In this world of nothing for me I'd be sooner destroyed Vampire youth Raise your cups to the ne'er-waning moon Let its visage ring true! To the hearts cold and blue We're dying each moment free We're all animals here Flesh and blood, bone and dream We're just impulses here Just another piece of shit in the storm Just another piece of shit From the smelling of things it appears This shit has come to a boil Nighttime we shall rule as our own While this hollow will sleep We shall bark at the moon In this world of nothing for me I'd be sooner destroyed In this world there is nothing for us But the sound, but the sound! Vampire youth Raise your cups to the ne'er-waning moon Let its visage ring true! To the hearts cold and blue We're dying each moment We'll never sleep again We'll be going fucking mad Sin and Hell is all we will ever know Just another piece of shit (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 20th, 2006
5:58 am	i havnt updated this in a long time.I couldnt sleep so I watched the sun rise,it made me have so many memories of other times I've watched the sun come up I think some of it made me feel like shit,I still cant sleep argh Current Mood: sleepy Current Music: powerslave-ironmaiden =D (Comment on this)
Friday, July 15th, 2005
1:49 am	It allways crashes,this system is non-operational.I'm not you,I'd give up all of my parts or circuits or whatever they call body parts now to be something else,a plant without thought,a higher being,a anemia.The human race holds the power to attract,or be attracted to there are some that have magnets in their craniums that were born with some sort of gift to attract.What should I be doing here or what should I be doing with my life.I'm never going to be a tale that people tell to each other and gawk at how awesome I will never be.I tried to talk to some girl I dont know,she hates me for the simple reason that I guess other people hate me or say I am not radical material,I love it.Thanks for the support my fellow aquantinces..I saw the kids I hated that hated me that treated me horribly fly on space ships,while in the same mindset I probably worked a horrible deskjob,I think Im so creative and I think I have so much potential but alot of people are more creative,and better.pretty girls with blonde hair like to make you feel like shit cause she'll never be mine :(,the kids in rocket ships make you feel even worse.The people that couldnt do anything hate me too.I can't be a hybrid humanbeing that everybody likes.Im excited however for tommorow,people are supposed to take me somewhere more than likely they wont..It's time for some shuteye.Fuck you/goodnight Current Music: Everything merges with the night-Brian Eno (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 13th, 2005
12:06 am	I saw you sign on and sign off then again sign on,I figured out the hard way it's best to go with what little concious I have tells me to do so I didn't talk to you.Bye. Current Mood: confused Current Music: The Deliurium Cordia-Fantômas (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 5th, 2005
4:02 pm	Nothing to say except most of all feels like its over.I'll never experience the lives most feel and I think this feeling is permanent.It feels pretty hopeless and generic and I suppose that's how my whole lifes felt for an extremely long time.What else is new seclusion because of time.I just got yelled at for a few hours straight drifting away during half of it from two days straight 0 sleep. Everyones either moving or turning away Current Mood: crappy (1 Comment |Comment on this)